Recently..

Recently... Many things are on my mind.. One thing especially is my exams!! Gosh.. Time really flies.. My internal exams will in 2 weeks time and just a week after that, I'll be having my external exams! All really a rush.. I feel that I've not done anything to prepare myself at all. Haiz.. Who am I kidding? I haven't! Reading the books and doing some exercises doesn't seem enough.. When I come across a question that's similar to the others, I totally blank out.. This is really making me freak out. At first, I thought I wasn't just paying attention to what I was doing. But then, now I'm just thinking that I'm just not ready!!!

Pressure is also building up as I'm taking the computer-based exam.. Means I do the exam on the computer and I get my results straight after I finish. I haven't tried this method of exam before and I thought I'd give it a swirl~ It did seem like a good idea at that time to choose the computer-based instead of the paper-based.. But now, I'm not that sure.. Friends are telling me that it will be harder or that I'll feel more pressured to do well or blah blah blah~ Arghhhh!! All of that is making me just wanna cry out and say "I GIVE UP!!" And now I'll be the only one taking the computer-based as one of my friend who was initially supposed to take same as me has just decided to do the December exam.. Really thinking how it's all going to turn out on that day...

I guess I'm just worried a bit.. It's not that I don't understand what I'm studying.. I like what I'm learning and I know that what I've learned is in my head somewhere.. Just that.. What if it decides not to come out of my mind on the day of the exams? What if I just blank out? Or what if I get too nervous to finish all the questions? Or what if what I actually know is not enough for me to get good grades? So many what if's.. Aiks.. I remember I once read that we shouldn't live in a world of "What If's"... That would be really bad coz we won't be able to do a thing as we would only keep worrying and think about the problem! So GET AWAY all the "What If's" in my head.. GO!! I don't need you!!!!!

Phew~ Really good to write all down here. Although I have my diary to write in, but typing is much better and faster.. Hopefully after this rant, I'll be ok again.. I think because of this "problem", I've been having stressful sleeps.. I wake up all uptight and can't relax even when I sleep.. And with that, I tend to take long afternoon naps which then buys up my time to study.. Really so frustrating! It's so true that you can't win them all..

With all the "business" in studying and preparing for the exams, I kinda fallen behind in my journey with the Lord. I believe this is the biggest problem for me right now.. How can I sacrifice my time and passion for the Lord.. This is so NOT right.. Usually I would always talk to my Lord and tell Him of all the things that I'm grateful for and all the things that I'm happy with throughout the day.. Nowadays, I just pray for what I want.. And if I don't see anything that I want, I'll totally ignore Him.. This is totally unacceptable!!! Lord, I'm sure you know that I've not been totally in-sync with you lately, even I now finally know(or admit, which I think is a more appropriate word)that.. Will You bring me back closer to You? I want to love You like how I did.. I don't want to ever be lukewarm with You.. I want my love to be on fire for You and You alone.. Coz the feeling of not being close with you is a really horrid feeling to go through.. Lord, let me put You first in my life above all else.. Now and forevermore.. Amen!